A Prototype for the Worst Positioning Statement Ever

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In my last post, I mocked Crypto-Descriptions of companies and products.  Microsoft and Oracle were the targets of my crankiness.

Anyway, inspired by the ensuing discussion, I figured it might be fun to see if I can create the Worst. Positioning. Statement. Ever., but still have it be believable as something a real software company would say.

Here's my attempt:

DysfunctoCrank is a business agility platform for organizations in financial services, manufacturing, healthcare, energy, business services, and government who want to accelerate their businesses and achieve improved Return On Agility(TM).

Thoughts?  Can you do better? (and by better, I mean worse.)